This Broken Chant

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I am under the impression that there is a Bank of America employee whose sole purpose is to monitor my every transaction… and judge.

Is Potato Leek the perpetual soup of the day? They should change the name to Potato Gleek soup as I'd be more inclined to order it in that form.

I try to time my opening of the microwave to the exact second before the timer goes off. Sometimes I miscalculate and open the door a moment too late. Can someone invent a microwave that stops beeping after the door is opened? I get it, you are done heating my goodness. This is why I opened the door. Are you letting my roommate know that I am ready to eat? If so, he doesn't care. Let me enjoy your warm creation in peace. Yum yum.

I've had the same alarm clock for 20 years. In many cases, after two decades, a mutual appreciation and respect has developed between both parties. While my alarm clock continues to adore me year after year, I want to drop a hammer on that beyotch every morning around 7:15.

Everytime I open my front door I think that the pumpkin sitting on my porch is a rabid dog with a personal vendetta. A small wave of panic rushes over me and then, for some reason, I think of Billy Corgan.

Our garbage day is Wednesday… but I'm pretty sure the garbage men come to my street everyday, at 7am to practice.

Today I saw a grown man have a physical and emotional reaction after he learned that Starbucks was out of his favorite breakfast sandwich. I judgmentally  chuckled… only to find myself, mere seconds later, equally as heartbroken when I realized there were no cocoa sprinkles at the stir-station to apply to my americano.

I once told my mom I wanted to be a rockstar. She laughed and said, “Oh honey, there are too many of those in the world.”

Apparently, what the world also isn’t lacking is a woman to fill the role of ‘Dream Crusher.’